Better Friends

How to get better friends and probably more importantly, how to be a better friend. 

I've mentioned about friendship and about loneliness, that I had one good friend growing up, we spent all this time together, we spent up until the time we graduated high school pretty much together. And then I got to college and took me a little while just like most people to find my niche in college to find the right people. So I started to make friends with the people on the floor of my dorm. And then I got involved in a Christian group, which is where I feel like that was the place that I made the most friends and the most meaningful friendships. And many of those people I'm still in touch with today. 

So I liked those friends, I liked that group so much that after my sophomore year of college, I decided to stay down in my college town, and live with a bunch of those guys for the summer. And you know, we'd have dinners together, spend time together, do a number of different things together. And as I spent that time, because it was the first time in my life, I would have been that close with that many guys. 

I realized that it seemed like other guys had better relationships with the other guys than I did. And I really wondered about that. And I kind of thought it through and I looked at it and and then when I don't know why I don't seem to have those kinds of same relationships that these other guys do. So a really good friend of mine, kind of a mentor, spiritual leader, brother, Ken and I went out for an evening and I mentioned this to him. And I said, why? What's going on? And it was funny, because really without missing a beat, he said, “Rob, when you relate with people, you never ask them questions, you never find out what's going on with them. You just talk.”  Big surprise, I can have a gift of gab. But when he told me that I wanted him to be wrong. I wanted him to kind of backtrack on that. But he wasn't wrong. As I started to look at how I handled things and what I did, and how I treated people, I realized he was very right. And that if I was going to get closer friends, I needed to try to figure out how to just be a better friend. 

And so I started obviously, it was probably not an immediate thing that improved right away. It took time. But I really started to take time to focus on the other people and ask them questions. And then to learn how to ask follow up questions with what they were talking about. So it wasn't just asking one question, let them respond. And I blurted out everything I wanted to talk about. I really had to learn that kind of art. And that's exactly what it was. It's not a science, it's an art, to be able to talk to people, spend time with people and invest in people. And that's what we're going to be talking about. 

So like I said, the question is how do I get better friends? The better question is, how do I be a better friend because that I think is the key to getting better friends, let's just make something very clear to not everybody you meet that has the potential for friendship is going to be your friend or be a good friend, there are a number of people that I know there's a number of people I spend time with. And I would have conversations with them and spend some time with, you know, be in the same place at the same time with them. But I wouldn't necessarily call them good friends. And that's okay, because not everybody we meet is going to like us, and be our friend and be our friend to the same degree. 

However, in saying that, if we try to be a better friend, to everybody. If we try to invest in them a little bit and spend that time with them. Even though they may not be a close friend of ours, they're going to feel valued. They're going to remember their interactions with you, as somebody that cares about them, and that is interested in them. So there's really no loss there. Regardless, you might wind up with better closer friends by doing that. But you're not going to lose anything if that doesn't happen. 

So how can we be a better friend? Well, it comes right down to the first thing I learned was to ask questions. start conversations by asking people what's going on. And if you're not sure what to ask, start thinking through a little bit, ask about vacation, ask about their family, ask about their job. Ask about what they liked and what they dislike. And again, try to do follow up questions as you're paying attention. So the clarification there is that this is not a police interrogation. It's not fire off a question fire for question fire. That's not what it is. It's us learning to ask a question, and then wait for the response. And for us to then ask a follow up question so that we can engage with the person that we're talking to and show that we're interested in them. 

Something I've seen recently is that I spend a lot of time with a number of people. And I think there are people that are genuinely interested in me and other people, but they really just don't know how to express that they don't know how to ask the questions. They don't know how to engage. And I do think it's something that needs to be trained again, I really do believe they're interested in want to be involved. But they've never learned how to do it. And they're very uncomfortable asking those questions. So it's something we need to learn how to do. 

Right along with asking questions is listening. I don't know about you. But when I'm in a conversation, especially if it winds up being one more like an argument, I'm not really listening to what the person is saying, I'm building what I'm going to say next, so that I'm not really paying attention to them. I'm working more here to try to figure out what I'm going to tell them next. And that's not what listening is what listening is, is really listening, when they're talking. Because when you listen, you can then find those things to follow up on, you can find those things to relate to, you can find the ways that you guys are similar or different. And ask those follow up questions and learn more. So if you're actually really paying attention, as opposed to crafting your own argument of what you're going to say next, you'll learn a lot more, and you'll go a lot deeper with the person who you're with. 

And a side note, if you haven't already figured this out, listening comes in really handy if you're dating, or married, just saying. 

I think again, along the same lines of asking questions and listening is to actually show interest in the things that interest them. Doesn't mean you have to go do it with them doesn't mean you have to like it. But we can show interest in something without really liking it. For example, my wife really liked gymnastics, she wanted to be a gymnast, when she was younger, that ended very quickly when she got to be five foot 10 She was twice the size of the other gymnasts. But she still watched gymnastics on TV, there was at least once I remember, she got tickets to a gymnastics competition, she went to go watch. And there were times that I would watch it with her, it wasn't really my thing, she would stay up way late to watch the Olympics and watch the gymnastics Olympics. And I wouldn't necessarily do that. But I showed interest with her. And she with me and some of the things that interested me more than interested her. And there was a way where we're showing value of the person, not necessarily of the thing where I'm showing 

interest. I'm interested in gymnastics, because she was another bonus. 

If you actually listen, ask good questions and invest in their life, you'll become a better gift to give her. Because if you're listening, you'll start hearing the things that they really want, or things that would really surprise them. Just a side note. 

I think another really big one is that again, I think we've lost something. We really invest in their lives the best way you can without being invasive, but invest in their lives and let them invest in yours. So have them over show good hospitality when people come over, help them with projects, let them help you with projects, have them over for celebrations and different things along those lines, invite them to just go spend time together. And there's a phrase wasting time together, right? Invite them to just waste time together, it's okay. Some of my best times I've had has been sitting with somebody just out and talking and not having any other agenda and just kind of spending that time together going on a drive with them. And getting the opportunity to talk and just invest and spend that kind of time.  Guys have come to help me with projects. And I've helped on other projects as well. And it's a really good way for us to get to know each other, to invest in our lives and be aware of the things that they're celebrating, that they're struggling with, that they need help with. And jump in when you can if there's a way that you can help them. If you can do regular follow up and communication. 

Now you may have friends that have moved away or gone to a distance, I definitely have some that I can't always get to see. But what's kind of cool is because we've got a good friendship when they come back or when I see them. We connect and it's like almost no time has gone by. So I think that's kind of cool. But if you can make regular connections, right, don't just wait months or wait for them to make the move. I've mentioned my friend Henry before he and I will schedule time because life just gets busy. You can always just expect to have time. We will schedule time to go out and do things so we've gone to car shows, car museums, a regular museums, we've gone to Dukes of Hazzard fest. We went to the PA Baconfest which was a lot of fun. And about a year ago he and I went out to Arizona which was absolutely amazing. So we just had that time to invest and spend that kind of time just doing something fun and just being out to enjoy that time. And I think it's really, really important for us to be fearless. Where we can be afraid we're not sure what to say we're not sure what to do. We're not sure how this is supposed to work.